My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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