My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
