I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
