oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
