I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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