you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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