the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
