Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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