dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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