Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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