thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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