Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
