i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
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He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
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I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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