Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
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yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
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This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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