i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
