Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
