onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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