OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
