i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
