Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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