So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
