who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
