i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You are a genius and a whore.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
