when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
