Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
