she woke up with a sticky ear
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
