Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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