Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
