Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
