Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
