im about as happy as oj after his trial
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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