Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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