I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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