the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
