Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
