i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
