Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
