I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
