i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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