I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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