I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
