Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
