the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
