Your mouth is God's brothel.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
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i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
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Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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