I hate all girls vehemently.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
