dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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