if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
