Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
