Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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