Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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