How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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