Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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