New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Randomize
