My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you have to choose: penises or morals?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
