I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
