I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
